Riding in Bangkok

I'd love to tell you all about what it's like to drive in Bangkok, but fortunately since we don't have a car, I'm left with stories about what it's like to ride in Bangkok. All that is about to change on Sunday when our used CRV arrives, but for now driving stories will have to wait. Some of my most quietly amusing moments here in Bangkok have been in the backseat of a taxi. Insert stupid joke here. First off, the taxis are all different colors, no boring yellow here. We have red, orange, yellow, green, blue, pink, and combinations of any two colors. I try to like the others, but pink ones seem to be the best. They're clean and smell good every time. When I say they smell good I do not mean that I have a headache within 8 seconds of closing the door because the driver doesn't understand the "less is more" air freshener rule. They just don't smell like much of anything. Pink taxis are clutter-free and dirt-free. The ride is smooth and relaxing. There's a rumor that the red and blues are the ones to watch out for because the drivers are crooks. And every time I've been badgered to pay more than the meter reads, it's by a nasty red and blue driver. I'll sometimes turn them away when they drive up.

If there was a giant Bangkok yearbook, I'd already know who looks most like the Thai Christopher Walken (he's our maintenance guy) and I know who wins best looking (it's the Soi 11 bum). But we need taxi superlatives so here they are:

Smelliest taxi: Okay, so I don't remember the color of the taxi or the guy's name especially since Thai names are 3 feet long written in 10 pt. font. I opened the taxi door and it was apparent this guy had eaten something that wasn't sitting well with him, something noted before I got in. Sawyer was hanging from me in a carrier and we needed to get to the embassy. Drivers hate going to the embassy so I couldn't turn this guy away. We sat down, shut the door, and this marks yet another time I feel like a horrible mother. I force my baby to sit in a taxi in awful Bangkok traffic and try not to breathe. Then I started laughing. It was horrible. My dad's told stories about being in an elevator with my brother, someone lets loose and the other can't keep a straight face - it all falls apart. I was in the backseat trying my hardest not to fall apart. The driver didn't notice or care, but he had the rankest smelling taxi in Bangkok.

Hippest driver: Again, what's in a name? This guy had Elvis all over his taxi! Well, the inside at least. This time I was with a friend, who was not nearly as entertained as I was. He did ask a lot of questions and it was tough diverting him to topics other than our personal lives, but who cares? This man took the time to find pictures of Elvis with the King and Queen of Thailand, laminate them, and hang them from the front seats. He even sang for us. You haven't heard an Elvis song until you've heard it sung by a Thai man. "Love Me Tender" and "Viva Las Vegas" in a wavering tenor and all the right grammar mistakes to make him adorable. What made him even more lovable was the fact that I, by some strange stroke of luck from skinny Buddha, managed to hail this Elvis-loving driver again two weeks later.

Most hilarious driver: Please accept my apology for more potty humor. Thank you. My husband and another couple and I were on our way back from the river to ride a boat to some temples. Unfortunately, the other guy was called into work and so we needed to get home quickly. The taxi driver drove fast which is not unlike most drivers here who aren't stopped in the kaleidoscope of gridlock that is Bangkok. Everyone's feeling positive about getting Ben home in a timely manner until our taxi rolls into a gas station. "Mai dee," says Ben who is whiter than white, but knows a little Thai. This means "not good." We didn't want to wait, or pay for the time it takes to fill the tank. But filling the tank was the opposite of this guy's problem. He parked in the small side parking lot, opened the door and almost arching completely backward on his way out of the taxi grabs his butt and screams. He then ran to the bathroom on the side of the building. How could we not wait for this guy? We could only sympathize and laugh like 12-year-olds. Don't shake your head, you would have been laughing, too. He came back to the car and drove us home.

Honorable mentions:

• Most busted-up taxi - The guy adorned every square centimeter (metric system, you like that?) of the interior with stickers. Most of them were labels taken from Glade air-fresheners. He had a hole in the door clear to the outside. There was no upholstery left on the doors. Litter covered the floor. Crocheted blankets were piled on the rear dashboard. My maid was in the back with me and the baby. She whispers to my son, "Don't......touch.....anything." The car wasn't running well, I think we were losing parts on the journey.
• Most creative - Hanging from the front seats of this taxi are identical signs. They have a message that politely reads, "Do not forget belongings," and show pictures of a laptop, keys, shopping bags, and a naked woman. It's not really that outrageous as women often do seem like little accessories around here.
  
• Best English-speaking driver - Traffic here is awful, not unlike that of D.C. For some reason, there are still a few drivers who feel they should be able to go faster than the rest of the 60 gazillion cars on Sukhumvit Road. Yes gazillion, I counted them. He lurched along pumping his foot from gas to break, just like my grandpa and sucked his teeth the entire way. He mumbled what were probably curses in Thai, and nearly side-swiped old ladies pushing their food carts on their way home for the evening. Amidst all his impatience and Thai mumblings, he cries out, "F%^&!" The silence that ensued was not unlike the moment in "A Christmas Story" when Ralphie says, "Oh fuuuudddgge." Another moment that I openly and shamelessly laugh at a taxi driver.
  

One day I promise to take video from inside a Bangkok taxi so that you can see and hear first-hand what it's like to weave in and out of lanes that are almost completely ignored, listen to some Thai soft-rock, and almost hit pedestrians (my personal favorite).