Hastily Typed and Uploaded. Verbose and Possibly Quite Boring. Probaby Quite Boring. With a Verbose Title.

I'm not at work today. I am waiting for the oven repair people who are supposed to come some time today. I have no idea when. It's not really a mental health day because of the oven, but it sure is doing something good for my mental health anyway. I haven't written in so long about what we're up to. Facebook kind of takes care of part of that. But there's a lot going on. Let's see. I'll update by child:

Sawyer
I'm struggling with the lies I've been telling Sawyer regarding Santa and the shelf elf. It was supposed to be charming and sweet when he looks up at our shelf elf giving messages to be sent back to Santa. Instead, I feel a little bad. Then again, he listens to the shelf elf's warning from the book when it comes to behaving so maybe I shouldn't complain. When Sawyer is in a super-good mood, he starts spitting out his silly nonsense words and explains their meaning. Some people might say, "Why, he's so smart, he even has his own language." Yes, he is smart, but the language is just random gibberish with different meanings each conversation.

I do think he's a smartypants. He is writing his name, now. He also asks really great questions. This morning he asked, "Mommy where do they make cars and how do the workers make them?" Unfortunately, my awful habit of saying "Damn it" has reared its ugly head, once again. So, Sawyer started it up again. The other day he was looking for his "damn cars." Look, no one is perfect. Well, there are a few of you perfect people. Damn you! I feel terrible about it. We're working with him. If you hear him say something like that and wonder why I don't spank him or turn into the incredible hulk, it's because we are working with Sawyer in a way that actually works. Pat and I have realized that coming down on Sawyer like a sledgehammer is not effective, it's counterproductive actually. He is a power-play kind of kid. He knows what's important to his parents and uses it to his advantage. We are trying our best to convey to him what is important, without making it seem like his choices are going to make us fly off the handle. He loves it when we fly off the handle.

Sawyer is the most incredible big brother. Not a day, or hour, passes when he doesn't tell his sister some version of, "Hadwee Dune, you are a sweetie princess!" This morning it was, "Hadwee Dune, how cute are YOU?" He dances and makes faces and sounds to make her smile and laugh. He tries to teach her things. Today I told him that I knew he would always protect her and never let anyone hurt her. He told me he won't let anyone talk to her with dirty hands. Sawyer's sensitivity is something that is coming out in other ways. If Pat and I are having a conversation and getting fired up about an idea or tell a story that made us mad, Sawyer thinks we are fighting. He starts screaming at us to be nice. Even if it's a, "Hey can you believe..." across the room where we raise our voice for the other to hear. So, I think we need to really be careful rather than expect him to understand that we are just having a heated or excited conversation.


Hadley
Miss Hadley June is doing so well. She is the sunshine I never knew I needed and the girly-girl friend I never thought I wanted. What could I have ever been afraid of when it comes to having a girl? Well, ask me that one again in 12 years. Eight, you say? Yikes. For now, I am in love with this one. It took so long to get to know and understand Sawyer. He is a complex little person and has been from day 1. The bond with Sawyer was a slow and cautious process. Once we got each other figured out, that was it and being his mommy is less of a struggle and more of an interesting puzzle. There is no complexity to Hadley. That has made it easier to relax and enjoy her. So, Hadley smiles, laughs, chuckles, rolls from belly to back, grabs, and almost sits on her own. She's close to 16 pounds, growing out of clothes quickly in length and weight.

Whereas Sawyer kept us busy monitoring and controlling his reflux, Hadley has been pretty easy when it comes to health. Our main issue has been a milk protein allergy. That means that as long as I'm breastfeeding, I can't eat dairy. I don't have to tell you that stinks! Hadley can try dairy again when she's 9 mos. My first goal of exclusively breastfeeding until 6 mos. is basically going to be met with the exception of a few formula bottles here and there to make up for what I can't pump while working. Pumping for Hadley has been a bit of a pain. It means lugging the 20 pound antique breastpump back and forth from work, eating lunch (on my 15 min lunch) with one hand while keeping the pump stuff positioned using my elbows (while checking email). It also means there are more dishes to wash. It's worth it for me, for now. I'm not a breastmilk-nazi but there are benefits which I'll take advantage of as long as possible.

This has got to be incredibly boring for non-kid people. If you made it this far, congratulations. There is no guarantee it will get more interesting, though!

Dilemma
Pat and I are working working working. Pat has been really amazing with...everything. He has made a bazillion trips to the store during the week as we struggle with the idea that we actually need to buy a gallon of milk and 2 loaves of bread each weekend. Pat is so supportive, but isn't going to tell me what to do when it comes to work. This makes my decisions harder! This year began with me being on maternity leave. We eased back into school with Sawyer going first. Then I went back to work while Hadley went into the hands of an in-home daycare that we really like. Here is the evolution of questions and mental dialogue of the school year thus far:

Can I survive?
Can I survive and look presentable?
Can I blend in with coworkers who do not have kids (be a productive and effective worker who doesn't make excuses or need to make excuses)?
Can I be an okay teacher and an okay mom?
What is the best I can do at teacher and mom? Oh, yeah, I'm a wife, too!
Why am I doing this, again?
A house that's big enough or time with the kids: Which is more important?
Work or not work: Which one is best and which one is considered just giving up?

The last 2 are still being chewed on. Everyone has an opinion and their idea of the best choice.

Staying home means taking Sawyer out of a school setting the year before he'll be in Kindergarten. It will mean giving Hadley the best of me full-time. It will mean scraping by in a condo that we barely fit into even while paying for storage. It will mean that once I go back to work I am locked out of teaching because I don't have a master's yet and I also have no tenure or guarantee of a position when I do come back.

Going to work will mean possibly affording a bigger place with a yard. Not a guarantee. It will mean Sawyer is staying at the school he enjoys with the structure he just might really need. It will mean a fall and winter where I don't see Hadley during daylight except for weekends. It will mean I will beat myself up on every bad day (and many good days) and hate myself for not keeping the promise I made to myself over and over this year: I will not do this again. (Yeah, yeah, personal problem, right?) It means I will give Hadley and Sawyer the best of me, while understanding that might mean not showering on some days.

What the heck?

Either way, Pat and I both are trying to enjoy the little moments. The moment when the house is a wreck but Hadley is smiling while Sawyer does something goofy dancing to a good song. The moment you turn to see Sawyer butt naked climbing furniture he shouldn't be climbing. The moment the cat yacks at the same time that Sawyer yells, "I'm done!!!" and needs wiped at the same time the oven timer beeps at the same time Hadley has a diaper blow-out at the same time the phone rings. And it's one of our parents. And we really do want to pick up!!! :)